How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize