Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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