I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
