1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
