Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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