Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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