I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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