And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
