A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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