I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
