he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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