I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
