i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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