No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
