Will you blow on my dice?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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