First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
we should paint friendship bongs
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