can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Randomize
