woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
