I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
now i know why i became what i already was.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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