I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
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