hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
zippers are such a cool invention
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
