Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Randomize
