so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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