Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
