Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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