you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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