Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
