I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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