Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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