Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
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