Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
