Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
