Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize