singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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