How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
