I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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