i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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