Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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