i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
