Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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