shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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