I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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