I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
