Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
