I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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