Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
