I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you win again, gameday.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
