why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
