my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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