and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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