Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
