I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
