ya dads aren't the best wingmen
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
"it" just moved
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
