Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
