I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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