I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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