First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
