A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
