3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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