my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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