Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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