Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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