It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Randomize
