This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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